The 100/0 Principle

The following is adapted from an e-mail I received from my manager at work yesterday.  

Brian Tracy said..."Eighty percent of life's satisfaction comes from meaningful relationships."   Think about it...when you look back at the end of your life, what will really matter?  I'm betting the top of your list will include the quality of your relationships.

Life is busy...lots of clutter.  That's why from time to time, we all need to be reminded of what's most important.  So here's the question:  If your relationships are one of the most important parts of your life, what are you doing to make them all they can be?  

So, what is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others?  It's The 100 / 0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.

Implementing The 100 / 0 Principle is not natural for most of us.  It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The 100 / 0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally.  Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply.  For most of us, it applies to a special someone, work associates, customers, family and friends.

STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it.  Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.

STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return.  Zero! Zip! Nada!

STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you.  Even if the other person tells you to “slow down” or “I’m not feeling this” or “it’s not going to work”.   In other words, don't take the bait.

STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness.  Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind.  Remember to expect nothing in return.  By being persistent in your kindness and respect for another person, you may likely change the dynamic of a relationship. 

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline.  When this occurs, you need to avoid being a "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements and thoughts like "That won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "That's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.

Instead use Learner statements and thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc.  In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
Principle Paradox:  This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100 / 0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100.  When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their relationship, their teams, their organizations and their families.

Now, I'm usually one to advocate complete balance in any relationship - if it's not fair, get out and avoid people who don't give their share.  That said, I think reading this reminded me that it's still good to give selflessly without and expectations whatsoever at times.  If you anticipate ZERO return, anything is a positive outcome.  I also know for me, I actually feel good about making effort to do something positive for someone else...